apparently the secret to your success is patron
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
