12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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