We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
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in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
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I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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