A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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