i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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