it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
