Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
