I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
