Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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