I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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