Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
