i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
