he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
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Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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