I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
