Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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