jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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