What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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