Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
