he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
