so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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