The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
