Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
