cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
