Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize