i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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