I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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