Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
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He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
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Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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