I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
