I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
