So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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