2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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