nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
