So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
