my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
