I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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