Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize