I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
