he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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