I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
