it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
