I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
