so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
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Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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