I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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