Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Barsexuality is the new black.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
