I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
