You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
God, I missed his penis.
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