you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
