I wish I could punch you in the face.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just pee around me
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
