i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
