Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
