1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
