I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
