He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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