when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
