yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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