u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
