My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
